Emotional Abuse Options

[Jim]

Im reading a book on this topic and will comment on some of my reading here... I thought I'd open up the topic for yall to discuss too, learn and teach each other your opinions.

What do you guys think about emotional abuse in a relationship?

What forms does it take? How do you recognize it?

How do you deal with an emotionally abusive spouse or parent?

[Misbah (The One)]

All my life Jim, all my life..

But id like to keep the details to myself.. my dad, well he was very, very, abusive, really did some very bad damage, to all of us... but.. im trying and have tired real hard not to inflict that on my kids...

When one is emotionally or physically abused, one always presumes they wouldn't/will never do that to anyone they love or their kids.. but trust me, you don't, you see it as 'Natural' you just do it, automatically you will do it.

But anyway......

[Jim]

Interesting insight Missy.

Of course, you are right in that it inevitably gets passed down, despite how hard you try. Recognizing it and countering it can be quite a task.

The book Im reading calls it an "indirect form of violence" which all of us see in our relationships and often acquiesce under the guise of tolerance. Victims are often unaware of their manipulation as the common techniques of abusers are in innuendo, spiteful allusions, lies and humiliating remarks.

People who get swallowed up in it (the victims) often are blamed for being too weak as their identity is swallowed up in trying to please the abuser (who is rarely satisfied) and the abuser is allowed (tolerated) to go on to victimize other people.

[Rhoda]

The interesting thing about this abuse is that I didn't recognize it when it happened to me. I did come to believe that I was the ugliest, stupidest, most inadequate human being that my particular husband had ever run into and unfortunately married.

I came to believe all this, and when I once said--I remember this clearly--"this is not who I am! I want to see a shrink to find out what's wrong with me." (I did occasionally recognize that what was wrong with me was not necessarily what I was accused of) he told me I was not worth spending the money on.

Best day of my life was when this person found someone who pleased him more. It took time, but I became me again.

I think looking back that abuse of this kind is particularly devastating because it carries with it a threat of abandonment. The abusee has been convinced that he or she cannot possibly manage on his or her own, being stupid, ugly, etc. But of course, why should the superior one stay with such a loser? It's very frightening.

Well, guess what! I managed very well on my own. Still am. And I like it.

[Kayak]

Emotional abuse is when one person messes big time with another. It messes up lives.. I've seen it happen, and I see it happening all the time.

Emotional abuse causes some permanent mental scars that probably will never heal, depending on how long it goes.

I think the best medicine is to run as far away as possible from emotional abusers.

The sign of an emotional abuser? Highly inconsistent behaviors, very emotional behavior.

[Geshtinnanna]

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. An abusive spouse doesn't abuse the doctor, mailman or cashier. But does so to their spouse. So obviously they know how to control themselves. I let people abuse me in the past. Now I don't. Did they change? No. I did.

[Kayak]

Well sometimes, its the parents too behaving that way towards their children. What about that?

[Jim]

Well sometimes, its the parents too behaving that way towards their children. What about that?

This is true.

Also, when a spouse is abused and has kids to think of, it changes the whole set of priorities... you dont just up and say "forget-it im leaving". The whole dynamic changes.

[Dumuzi]

Emotional abuse is different than physical abuse, it's legal.

[Geshtinnanna]

This is true.

Also, when a spouse is abused and has kids to think of, it changes the whole set of priorities... you dont just up and say "forget-it im leaving". The whole dynamic changes.

True but you might say no, this isn't good for the kids, knock it off.

[Coexist]

True but you might say no, this isn't good for the kids, knock it off.

If only it were that simple. My ex emotionally abused my kids. I left him. He still emotionally abuses my kids. I can't legally stop him from talking to them or seeing them. I've tried explaining rationally to him that what he does isn't good for them. I've tried his way, yelling it right in his face. It doesn't work, it isn't that simple.

[Geshtinnanna]

If only it were that simple. My ex emotionally abused my kids. I left him. He still emotionally abuses my kids. I can't legally stop him from talking to them or seeing them. I've tried explaining rationally to him that what he does isn't good for them. I've tried his way, yelling it right in his face. It doesn't work, it isn't that simple.

I was referring to not getting divorced...when the first time it's done you put your foot down before it becomes an ok thing. It's hard when of course you are divorced and you can't control them. I am talking when you can do something you should. Before the reason of oh I am scared of him and he always does this etc etc. There is that first time.Right then and there you make the choice. For me it was as simple as saying no. If I had allowed it to go on I would have fallen into that trap of low self esteem etc and making dumb choices. I didn't. I simply said no. I won't blame a victim. But I won't apologize because I don't allow people to abuse me.

[Jim]

True but you might say no, this isn't good for the kids, knock it off.

True but the psychology of it keeps you trapped in a cycle without realizing it.

How many times do you say "knock it off" before you reach the last "knock it off" and break up your family? The guilt involved of feeling like your the one breaking up the family because emotional abuse is not actually physical abuse, etc.

[Geshtinnanna]

True but the psychology of it keeps you trapped in a cycle without realizing it.

How many times do you say "knock it off" before you reach the last "knock it off" and break up your family? The guilt involved of feeling like your the one breaking up the family because emotional abuse is not actually physical abuse, etc.

I get the whole 'victim state of mind' reasoning. But when it's the first time...there is only your state of mind minus the victim mentality. You are most strongest then. If you make a stupid decision...well stupid consequences happen. If my spouse calls me a fat cow biotch the first time out? A little bit of physical abuse of my frying pan to his brainz is about to happen. I get that guilt thing too. I've been there. But honestly emotions can't be your excuse. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing in the world.

[Cyra]

Easier said than done. The unfortunate reality is that you don't always realize it's being done until somewhere waaaay down the road. Starts out early, in many cases, maybe as "joking or teasing," but over time becomes much more. The one doing the "teasing" gets a little more sharp in their cut downs, actually starting to mean what they say, the other doesn't always pick up on it. Sometimes when they do get it and say something, the other blows it off, saying "You're taking it too seriously, I was kidding," or "You're reading too much into it." This causes the one being abused to 2nd guess themselves and thus, open to more abuse. It's an insidious and evil way to undermine someone's self confidence. Slow and agonizing. By the time the abusee finally sees it for what it is, they're devastated and have no choice, but to leave the toxic situation.

This scenario is not just exclusive to marriage or parent-child relationships, it holds true for friendships, too. When it comes to toxic people, sometimes you just gotta leave 'em behind and move on. The key is understanding that as much as you'd like to, you cannot always effect change in every person in your life. Some folks just have too much hatred for themselves and don't know any other way to deal, they make themselves feel better by taking their anger out on others. They refuse to be helped by anyone, least of all themselves. God forbid they ask for help from the one source we can all count on (Allah/God)...that would be giving up control. And they will never do that.

[Jim]

Easier said than done. The unfortunate reality is that you don't always realize it's being done until somewhere waaaay down the road. Starts out early, in many cases, maybe as "joking or teasing," but over time becomes much more. The one doing the "teasing" gets a little more sharp in their cut downs, actually starting to mean what they say, the other doesn't always pick up on it. Sometimes when they do get it and say something, the other blows it off, saying "You're taking it too seriously, I was kidding," or "You're reading too much into it." This causes the one being abused to 2nd guess themselves and thus, open to more abuse. It's an insidious and evil way to undermine someone's self confidence. Slow and agonizing. By the time the abusee finally sees it for what it is, they're devastated and have no choice, but to leave the toxic situation.

And this is the real tragedy. The damage is done before you realize it and when you do realize it the damage is crippling. You are faced with choices, to stay in the abusive relationship or break up your family and/or leave the one you have invested a hell of a lot of time and effort in maintaining the relationship.

[Jim]

It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with the seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions and usually those close to the situation will not intervene.

A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other as he avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong to the other person. Thus, if the other person (victim) is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt, and suffering don't exist.

This defines emotional abuse.

[Coexist]

Yeah... seen all that before.

[Geshtinnanna]

What is worse is that this behavior starts with the children who witness it happening. They grow up and model this behavior and the cycle continues.

[Rhoda]

An interesting perspective.

When my ex and I finally split, numbers of people asked me if he had beaten me. They assumed that from the way he treated me in public that it was worse when we were alone.

But no one did anything to help me. Sometimes we respect each other's privacy too much, perhaps.

Once I was liberated, I recognized my ex in several others that I saw. It was only then that I realized that such people believe others ADMIRE them for the way they treat their 'loved ones'. They almost look for applause when they've cut down their spouse or child in public.

A mini honor killing, as it were.